Okay, to be fair that last post was a little more about venting frustration than offering solutions. So I would like to offer some rules for sensible city driving. Please circulate this far and wide that it may improve the lives of all who share the crowded roadways.
1. PASSING:
a) In general if you wish to pass another vehicle pass definitively.
b) Do NOT multitask while you are passing another vehicle (e.g. pass someone, scream profanities and eat your turkey dinner all at the same time).
c) During rush hour it is NOT acceptable to create a new lane on the right in order to pass people. Everyone is in a hurry and you are slowing other people down by trying to illegally merge into traffic. Jerk.
2. CUTTING PEOPLE OFF
a) If you need to cut into traffic always enter with the maximum amount of space possible. It is rarely necessary to truly cut someone off (i.e. to the point where they need to slam their breaks to avoid hitting you). Hit the gas! Accelerating quickly is not against the law. When turning onto a busy street you should accelerate to the estimated speed of traffic as quickly as possible without looking like a drag racer. And guess what, if necessary, go ahead and be a drag racer for 3 seconds of your life.
b) In the event that you do cut someone off don't add insult to injury by pooping along at 12 miles per hour. Yes, they already hate you, but that's not an excuse to become suddenly distracted by your cranberry sauce and poop around like a fat worm.
3. SLOW-MOTION RIGHT TURN
a) NEVER, I repeat NEVER perform a Slow-Motion Right Turn. There never has been, nor shall there ever be, any cause for a slow motion right turn on any roadway.
b) A Slow-Motion Right Turn slows down traffic unncecessarily.
c) A Slow-Motion Right Turn makes you look lost.
4. APPROPRIATE RESPONSES TO A SLOW-MOTION RIGHT TURN
a) A loud and sustained honk.
b) Pass the vehicle while shaking your fist (Note: this is a justifiable exception to rule 1b).
c) Throw a canoe paddle at the vehicle while yelling "Why don't you take your boat down to the lake!?"
5. TURNING LEFT
a) Signal as soon as possible when turning left to allow traffic behind you ample time to get in the other lane. (If you are familiar with your route and know that you will be turning left in from a street that has no turning lanes there is no excuse for not following this rule).
b) Since people are probably backed up behind you wating for you to turn, TURN! At the first resonable opportunity. You should be keenly aware of oncoming traffic and not using this time to make a phone call, change radio stations or eat your turkey dinner.
c) Though the Slow-Motion Left Turn is seen much less frequently than its twin, the Slow-Motion Right Turn, it is nonetheless equally apalling. There is no need to have a seperate section on the Slow-Motion Left Turn because even the most idiotic drivers are not stupid enough to stall in front of oncoming traffic. If you find yourself doing this, please accelerate quickly to get out of danger. Then step out of the car, throw your keys as far away as possible and resolve never to drive again. Then kick yourself in the face.
d) Oh, so you would like to turn left from one busy street onto another, but you find yourself in the right-hand lane . . . guess what . . . TOO BAD. Whatever appointment you're running late for isn't worth everyone else's time. So you MAY NOT, I repeat, MAY NOT come to a complete stop in the middle of traffic in order to get in left lane and make your precious turn. "But if you only knew my situation--" SHUT IT! Your only option is to keep going and turn at the next available intersection.
6. SIGNALING
a) Signal
b) Use the correct signal.
c) Don't assume that other drivers know where you are trying to go, especially since you are lost and don't know where you are going yourself.
SIMPLE LIST OF DOs AND DON'Ts
DO: Drive at the speed limit and/or with the flow of traffic.
DON'T: Speed past me like a flaming banshee.
DON'T: Coast in front of me (especially after you just cut me off) and slow down even more at every green light as if you are afraid it might turn yellow and then slam your breaks when one does turn yellow causing me to stop at a light I would have otherwise made easily.
DO: Take a Sunday drive ON SUNDAY, and preferable in your own culdesac or at least on streets with speed bumps.
DON'T: Take a Sunday drive on a weekday at 8:00 AM on busy streets or highways.
DO: Signal early and signal correctly.
DON'T: Signal right and turn left.
DON'T: Signal left, look both ways, signal right, begin a Slow-Motion Right Turn, hit your breaks, look both ways again and then complete your turn. Impossible is it may seem, it makes you look even more lost than you actually are.
DO: Know your route and think ahead when choosing lanes.
DON'T: Make up an imagainary lane on the right side of traffic and then try to merge like you're on the expressway. I'm not letting you in.
Here's hoping that this will help a little bit. If you have found this helpful, you should really thank Liz. She is the inspiration behind these rules, in fact she made up a lot of them.
Drive. Just drive. When I'm behind you just drive. It's okay. You won't hit the car in front of you. Just go. You can do it. By the time you get there they will have moved. And get this: if you're getting close to hitting them, honk. That's what horns are for. And if they don't move, bump them. That's what bumpers are for. If you just sit there and don't drive then I'm stuck behind you. And I have to go. So you need to move. While we're on the subject, here's another thing you could do that would make me feel happy: Just stay home. Don't bother getting in your car. You clearly have nowhere to go, because you are putzing around like a blind rat while I'm trying to get to work. And since you aren't going anywhere in particular, why were you in such a hurry to cut me off and get in front of me...? Oh I see! So you can coast at 15 miles per hour and come to a complete stop at a green light before making a slow-motion right turn. Thanks a lot. Now that you've finally crossed the intersection, with all the grace of an oil tanker, the light is red. Well, since I'm here waiting I suppose I should wish you good luck. Here's hoping you get to Aimless Wonderland in plenty of time to do whatever it is you need to do there. Hey and remember this the next time you are about to get in your car: Roads are for people that want to get places. The vast majority of people on the road are actually trying to move from one place to a different place. That's why they own or rent cars. If you are driving a car around just because you want something else to do as you eat your turkey dinner, chances are you are going to be a hindrance to rest of us.