Nathonius

Awkwardly Bad Love Poems

When reading these poems, it is best to pretend that they are being laboriously recited to you by someone who you would never want to receive a love poem from. This could include: 1) A celebrity that you had a crush on when you were younger (e.g. any of the New Kids on the Block, a cartoon character, Six from the show "Blossom", David Bowie in tights, etc.).** 2) A celebrity, acquaintance or friend that you have a nonsexual/nonromantic crush on. 3) One of those friends that you hope against hope does NOT have romantic interest in you because you have NO romantic interest in him/her, and if they ever came forward and said they had feelings for you, you would probably close your eyes as tight as you could and pray for the awkwardness to go away.

So before you read on, pick one of the three catagories, get an image in your mind of a specific person . . . and you may begin:

YOU

I'd like to make a YOU turn
Onto the highway that leads to
You being with me.
And once I get on that highway
I'll never look for an off ramp,
But I will slow down for the construction
Of a lasting relationship.
And I'll pay the tolls.
As long as those tolls aren't you telling me that
You don't love me the way I love you.
You, you, you, you,
I love you, and without you,
My soul would wilt like a flower in winter.
Water me.
Water me or I will die.

SUNRISE MY SWEET

Before I met you, the sun looked like a grape.
Now the sun looks like a mass of flames.
Speaking of flames,
Have you felt the heat of the flames
Of my love for you?
Assuming you have, did it make you uncomfortable?
If not, would you please fan those flames
With the constant reasurrance that you also love me?
Although you probably don't love me,
Because nobody ever has,
I have this irrational hope that perhaps you could be the one,
To finally bring a little light to my pathetic life,
To love me for who I am,
And believe in me,
Even though I don't believe in myself,
Because I'm not actually sure if I exist
Or if I'm the figment of someone else's imagination.

A LITTLE LOVE RECIPE

One cup of sweet thoughts,
A few sprinkles of laughter,
A smattering of kisses,
A pinch of disaster,
A spoonfull of recovery,
A few pints of forgiveness,
A dash of damnation,
Another pint of forgiveness.

This is a recipe
For a love strong and true.
If you'll be my Iron Chef,
I'll be your surprise main ingredient.

I LIKE YOU

You have taken my heart.
Give it back!
But you can't just give it back,
It belongs to you!
So the only way for me to get my heart back,
Is for you to belong to me!
Be mine, be mine,
Cause my heart is yours.

Your eyes are multifaceted
Like diamonds.
You are wonderful
Like the sky at sunset.
Those are just two of the reasons why I like you.

I'll tell you a hundred and one
More reasons why I like you
If you promise to be mine forever.
Do the math, sweet owner of my heart,
Do the math.
That's a total of one-hundred and three
Reasons why I love you.

[Note. If you didn't think those were funny, pretend Sean Connery is reading the poems to you]

**the examples used to help illustrate category 1) are NOT a reflection of people that Nathan Davis was ever romantically interested in. They may, however, be a reflection of people that his friends and/or family were romantically interested in.

Posted by Nathonius at January 27, 2005 12:40 AM